A Blade of Blue

2007-11-12T00:41:00.000-05:00

Are we happier now that we have scientific knowledge?

"Philosophy divorced itself from science when it inquired which knowledge of the world and life could help man to live most happily. This occurred in the Socratic schools: out of a concern for happiness man tied off the veins of scientific investigation -- and does so still today." Nietzsche, Human, all too Human.

In today's world, everything in seeped in science. Science that no one understands. Science is so separated, no one understands the science that gets them through they day, let alone the science that promises to improve their future. Yet those who prise science over happiness, claim that it makes the joy we do have genuine. How can something too complicated for any one person to understand it all make us feel genuine? Are our more evolved lives happier? Do our computers, our TVs, our cellphones, make us feel more honest? Do they bring true joy into our lives?

Knowledge allows us to progress. It stops hypocrites, bigots, and more. It saves lives, catches criminals, and expose people to more of the world then they could ever hope to discover without it. But are we happier? As a nation? As a species?

I don't know my next door neighbor. My closest friend is over 20 miles away. Or one computer screen away. We have no way to meet people we don't choose to meet anymore. We socialize with those who are just like us, who agree with us, who go to the same clubs, same schools, or same websites as us. We claim to be exposed to the whole world, but we isolate our social lives to a single group of similar people, and isolate ourselves from those who might expand our horizons.

And this is the genuine life science brings us.

Heck if I know.

2005-11-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

Why is there so much hate? Why? And why do people insist on joking at the expense of others? I'm so tired of it all. So tired. I'm sick of crying over it, and I'm sick of other people laughing over it. That laughter is more damaging than anything else. And still, I fail, because I can only react with anger. I know anger isn't the solution. I know it won't work. Yet that's the reaction I have. However much I try otherwise. I've been trying to hard to get rid of all this anger I have. To replace it with empathy and compassion, understanding and remorse. Yet I'm still failing. I know I've gotten better, yet everytime someone says anything, makes the slightest chuckle out of place, I get so mad. Because it does make me mad, all this crap that goes on in this world, that we allow. I need to get over that. But it makes me so sad.

2005-10-29T14:33:00.000-04:00

I'm reading this book, called the Greco-Persian Wars, and I don't think I've been so moved by a book in quite a while. I just read about the Battle of Marathon. There was nothing special about this books depiction of the battle. Fairly technical, not overly romanticized. And I've heard the story of that battle so many times before, without ever really being moved. But for some reason, reading it this time, knowing all the background, knowing the people involved, just made it so much more.

No matter how realistic you are, no matter how cynical you look at history, no one can deny the honor of that battle, the glory of it. This was a particularly moving passage for me: "The men of Marathon, the heavily-armed soliders who had saved Athens, alone and unaided except for one Plataean contingent, were all property-owning landowners or farmers." Think on that. The Athenian troops one because they were more highly trained. More skillfull than the mercenaries bought by the Persians. The FARMERS are more highly trained in battle than SOLIDERS whose sole job is to fight in wars. That's pretty sad. Honorable, but sad. Honorable because farmers were willing to fight to save their freedom. So many in Athens wanted to give over and accept Persian rule. So many other Greeks had done so already. Athens and Sparta were the only two places left that hadn't bowed down to Persian rule. Farmer's answered the call to fight. People like you and me. People who just wanted to support their family. To make sure there was food on the table. To send their kids to school. Regular people. And they risked everything, everything, to send the Persians back home. Yet how sad is it that they had to do that? That they had been trained to do that? That every man in Athens and Attica knew the art of the sword. How sad, that such things were necessary. No, this was no utopia. This was no wonderful world. This was farmers forced to fight, and not suprised by it. This was an age when warfare was an everyday thing, and the only change was who you considered your enemy. Quite a sad thing.

6400 Persians slaughtered by the Marshes. 192 Husbands and Fathers and Sons that didn't come home. 24 Mile March. Persian ships retreating.

For once, I think I got it. I think I understand.

Very few things move me this much. The creation of Narnia. The battle of Helms Deep. John Galt's speech. And now, the battle of Marathon.

2005-10-23T19:12:00.000-04:00

I had a werid moment last night, where it seemed like everything was done with and I didn't know what to do with myself. I usually am so busy, doing so many different things, and it seems I've forgotten how to just be. I can't remember the last time I didn't have something that needed to be done, whether it was a phone call to make, work to do, an email to send, or a book to read. Or of course, driving around on weekends seeing friends, doing something every moment. I used to spend so much time on my own, just pondering different things. And I actually liked doing that quite a lot. It seemed worthwhile in a way. And when I would be around other people, conversations were meaninful.

Somehow I feel I've lost that. I'm surround by people all the time now. I can't even count the amount of friends I have, friends closer than any I've ever had before. Yet I've forgotten how to just be me like I used to. I can't fully express what I'm trying to say, it's not one of those things that lends it to words, but it's there. And it struck me last night. I was walking around campus, looking at everyone rushing past, with purpose in their stride. Everyone off to do something, yet I couldn't help but be struck with the mundanity of it all. After all, how important is all the crap that we do on a daily basis? What's the worth? So much of it just seems like it's something we do to pass all the time. Yet it also seems there is never enough time. Who knows.

Things are different than they used to be. I rarely go down to the rocks and just relax anymore. I rarely just sit in the trees. I rarely remember how wonderous this place we live in is. Now when I hear the birds it's simply a sign I've been up too long, not a beautiful song like it used to be. I just see things differently now. And I'm not too happy about it. But I don't know how to go back to where I was. I don't even know where I am.

2005-10-12T20:04:00.000-04:00

Ahhh.... biking in the rain. How relaxing was that. I was hot and cold all at the same time. My mind was free to roam. My body was working. It just felt so freeing, like nothing else.

2005-10-03T19:27:00.000-04:00

I've starting working out recently. Slowly but surely anyway. It seems every few months I tell myself I'm gonna get back in shape, but I push myself too hard initially, and it falls apart. So I'm trying real hard not to do that this time around. I've gone out biking for the past 4 days, run once, and have done my sit ups at night for the last week. All of which I'm fairly proud of. Though none of it has pushed me too hard, it has pushed me, and consisitantly, so I think this could last. I forgot how much I love biking. Having the wind push back at you, hearing it as it goes by, getting the chills and being hot all at the same time. Seeing things you normally see so slowing swirling past you. And the rush of it all. The pain in your legs, while going up that long slowly inclining road. The rush of going down that big hill. The thrill of turning quickly down slope after slope. The pain of going back up. But such a good pain, a pain I haven't felt in so long. The pain that you knows is what you were going out there for. I'm thinking of going out again tonight; the last ride wasn't long enough for me, but Dan was ready to come back, so we did. I prefer going out alone anyway. Seeing the world rush by you, feeling that you are still and everything else is flying by. Nothing else compares to that. I'm so glad I've started riding again, god how I missed it. It's completely different than anything else. Faster than walking or running, so that things seem animate. But slower than a car, so they don't pass by so quickly that you can't take them in. Man, what a sensation.

2005-09-19T08:52:00.000-04:00

I was asked something the other day that really shook me. I've always had somewhat of a contempt for faith, and while that's not something I'm proud of, it is something I hold onto for dear life sometimes. I don't have faith, and I don't want faith. Yet at the same time I've always believed that every human has an inherent knowledge of right and wrong. That we can see something and no matter what we've been told simply know it is wrong. That morals aren't dependant upon culture or religion, but something inherent in us all. I've seen so much evidence for this it's hard to doubt. I've seen the evidence in myself. Yet isn't this faith? To know what is right and wrong without reason. To have some type of absolute knowledge that isn't made on evidence, or logic, or anything except what we feel. That's what someone asked me. It terrified me. I really don't like the idea of faith, maybe that's me being childish I don't know, but it shook me. I'm still not sure if it is faith. The other reasons I'm come up with is that it is inherent knowledge, where faith is something you choose to believe in. I suppose. But that's not exactly right, I can't find the right words. Isn't it amazing that such a simple question can really shake your world. The world I'd created that was so safe for me, so familiar and so comfortable.

2005-09-12T15:44:00.000-04:00

I'm wonder more and more what I'm doing at Webb. I love the school. I love how small it is. I love that I know everyone. I love the campus. I love the honor here, even if it's hidden at first. I love knowing the teachers... I love everything about the school. But that's exactly what makes this so hard. I don't love the major. If I could change majors at this school I'd be in heaven. But what am I doing with an engineering major? I'm not an engineer, I never will be. It isn't something I'm passionate about. This is hard to think of, because I love the school, and it's easy in a way. Not that the classes are easy really, but it's all stuff I can do. It's only challanging initially. But there are answers to every problem given to you. There are known solutions. Like all engineering, there is no real challange.

I don't want to be a naval architect. I never have. Even at the best of times at Webb, I always admitted to myself that being a NA would be a short term thing, 5 years max, and then I'd teach. I've known for years and years that I want to teach. Well I'm finally asking myself, why? Why do I want to teach. It's not so I can show some high schoolers what an integral is. It's not so I can show some high schoolers how forces act upon an object. It's so maybe I can do some good in this world, maybe I can help somone, reach that one person no one else could. I want to give back what my teachers gave to me. I don't want to teach kids facts, I want to teach them how to learn. How to ask the criticial questions it's so easy to ignore. To look beyond the texts and the tests, and see what lies at the heart of our thoughts. How is a degree in Naval Architecture going to get me there? How will it help in that pursuit?

Why should I continue on in a degree that I'm not passionate about? I can list tons of reasons. I'm here already, and I don't want to give up again, I do that too often. I don't know where else to go. This is a practical path that could get me on my feet financially. I love this school, everything about it, except the major. I have a full tuition scholarship. I have people that care about me here. I have people I care about here. And, mostly, it makes my parents happy that I am here.

But are those the responsible reasons to stay somewhere? I'm not talking about giving up because it got tough. That's what I did at UGA. That's what I wanted to do last semester. That's not what I want to do now. I don't want to give up. I want to follow through on a decision I made. I want to finish, to complete. But is that the responsible thing? Is it the right thing? Why should I sit here learning about things I'm not passionate about, and let myself fall down a path that will be impossible to break.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of becoming one of those people who goes "if only". If only I had done what I loved. I'm good at engineering. It's comfortable. I could do it and be happy. I could be stable and I could be happy. But I'd always ask "what if". I'm terrified I'll break my own 5 year limit, and never teach. I'm terrified I'll become a 9-5 worker, who dreads going to work but does it because they need the money. I'm terrified of it all becoming mundane. I want to live passionately. I don't want to give up one moment of my life. I want every moment to be about something I love...something I care about. Is that so wrong?

2005-09-09T10:36:00.000-04:00

I was out watching the sunset last night, and emotion seemed to overwhelm me. It was so beautiful, so see the sun go down over the water. The last rays of sunlight striking the waves, creating such gorgeous patterns. You could hear the waves lapping up against the rocks, and in the distance you could hear the kids playing at the beach. There were two flocks of bird that kept passing by, one black and one white. The contrast was gorgeous at that time. Seeing the birds fly across the sun over the water, seeing the sun light up the clouds differently that it does at any other time. The clouds we lighted from beneath, the light shone up through them. The birds were flying in their precise patterns, that still amazes me. And the waves, oh my. They were so choppy, so small, so violent. They seemed so passionate. Something about it just got to me.

And for once, while being surrounded by nature, overcome by nature, I still felt something missing. I felt lonely, which has never happened before. I'm normally so home when I'm outside, I feel complete. Yet I didn't this time. I wanted someone else to see it with me. I wanted to share it. That feeling was pretty overwhelming as well. I don't know whether that makes me happy or sad. But it was there, big time.

2005-09-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

WHY won't people just love themselves??? Why is it so hard to be happy with who you are? Why do people have to be so insecure and unconfident? I can't stand it. I can't stand that we live in a world where people don't love themselves. I recently discovered the greatest thing ever was to realize I was happy with myself. That I was happy with every bit of myself. I so wish others could feel that. I so wish I could give it to them. But I can't. They have to find it for themselves. And I can't even show them the way. I get so frustrated with their inability to love themselves that I just make it worse. And that pisses me off. I wish so much I could just show them how to love themselves. Because it is only after they love themselves that they will let me love them. That they will be able to accept that love.

This world would be such a better place if people just loved themselves. I do not believe that anger would really be possible. What reason would there be to be angry? Because anger stems from insecurity or injustice. There would be no insecurity. And what reason would there be for injustice? People wouldn't need to put others down to rise themselves up. Because if everyone loved themselves... they could rise up on their own. Flourish without hurting others.

Do people not see this? To me it is clear as day.

Love yourself. Love others. Nothing bad can come of that.

2005-08-29T21:53:00.000-04:00

I should of been born a couple hundred years ago. At least with the fashion of a hundred years ago... and the life style. Though I wouldn't mind having computers and internet along with Renissance lifestyle. Is it weird that I actually like that time so much better? Is it weird that I wish people still had large families that stayed toghther, no TV, did work, and just, I don't know, acted differently. I'm sure I've romanticized the past, and it's full of all the same problems we have today. But damn, wouldn't it be nice if it was actually the way I see it in my head. That would just be amazing.

2005-08-07T21:57:00.000-04:00

I've been having a lot of discussions/debates lately that I've gotten very emotional in. This isn't really usual for me. I'm usually one to stay pretty cold during a debate, because it's easier for people to listen to what I'm saying that way. Instead of just seeing that I'm saying something and dismissing me. But lately, I've definitely been emotional in such debates, and I've purposely used emotion in discussions to try and sway people. This is very unusual for me. But one thing I have realized, all of these debates have revolved around gay rights. In whatever form. With everyone I've talked to about how I'm arguing now, they think it's a negative thing. They seem to think I'm losing my ability to effectively debate, because I've started using emotion. But I'm slowly realizing that they may be mistaken. After all, if you can you emotion to sway another person, why wouldn't you?

I guess it all comes down to why you are debating something. If you are debating as an intellectual pursuit, to try to learn more about both sides, and about the subject material, then maybe emotion is counterproductive. But when I debate gay right at this point in time, that's not why. I'm not doing it to educate myself, and I've gotten to the point where I'm not doing it to educate others, at least not directly. I'm doing it to make people realize the harm they are doing. I'm doing it in an attempt to cause change in the world. To get something done. Maybe that makes me low, maybe that makes me scheming. But I don't care what it makes of my character, it's more important to me that I work as hard as I can for change. Even if it means I lose some bit of my integrity.

But if you are working for change, shouldn't you use whatever tools you have? Cold logic can be a very effective tool for some people. I used it to learn the reasons (or justifications) the other side of the gay rights debate had. I used it to convince a lot of people that maybe there was more to the issue than they originally thought. But when it comes down to it, no matter how many facts you put in front of some people's face, no matter how clear cut you make the issue, certain people just won't listen. They refuse to hear your arguments. Does that mean we should just give up on them changing their view? Not without trying on all the tools. If I can use emotion to change someones opinion that is otherwise unchangeable, well then I'll use it. No matter what it makes me seem. For certain people, playing on their emotions is all that works. This doesn't mean you are tricking them, everything emotional I say is true. This is an issue that is full of emotions, they are there. And if they can be used, they should be. Use every tool you have available.

Writing this I keep feeling like I'm losing some sense of objective integrity. That doesn't make sense probably, but it does to me. I guess it's sad in a way that you can't just use arguments anymore. It's sad that there are people that require you use emotion in a debate. But that's the reality of the situation. And I'm not going to keep the status quo just because I'm too afraid to use every tool I've got.

2005-07-26T20:29:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how many different forms of love there are. I have been so blessed this past year to have so many people love me, and more... to love so many people. Yet each love is so different in so many ways. It is sad that between some, we are forced to choose. It is sad that this society has made it so. It is sad that loving someone can be seen as wrong, as a crime. It is indeed very sad. For love, love is everything needed in life.

2005-07-10T01:06:00.000-04:00

This is a post I made in a discussion thread about same-sex marriage. It seemed appropriate to put it here.

My ideal situation would be that the government stayed out of the marriage business all together. And the civil union business. To me, it's too personal, too important, too meaningful, too spiritual, for it to be bound by a written law, to be decided my government authorities. Seeing as I'm a fan of a small government, I simply don't see it as the governments place to give the title of Husband and Wife to people. I see that as the place of two individuals, to give each other that oh so meaningful title (or whatever deity, if that's your thing). But, unfortunately, that's not the way it is. The government will never give up it's right to give out the title of Husband and Wife. It will never give away it's right to proclaim whether two people are married or not. Considering that, I have to ask myself what can be done about the current situation, which I see as unacceptable.

I have a serious problem with the fact that two people, who love each other, can be denied the title of Husband and Wife, or Wife and Wife, or Husband and Husband. Other people have mentioned all the benefits that come from marriage, the technical benefits, like tax breaks and such. But for me, it is the value of being able to say "I'm married" and "This is my husband" that matters most. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't allowed to be a wife. Do I think that that is a choice that a majority has the right to decide? Absolutely not. This country is NOT a rule by majority. And this is an issue that I believe should not be decided by majority vote. I believe that because this is a civil rights issue. It's about fundamental rights, the right to love, the right to bind that love with the word Marriage. That's an important word. A word everyone in this nation has a right to, a claim to. This is a deeply emotional issue, but I'll try to address it as objectively as I can, though I won't pretend I can be truly objective. What we need to do is get rid of a biased, exclusionary, discriminatory definition of marriage that is prevalent thoughout these states. We must remove it if we want to continue to claim this is a country of equality, and of freedom.

There are many different "definitions" of marriage in this country. Everyone holds a slightly different one. The question becomes, what should this government hold? And how do we decide that. In my opinion, even those who view the only "true" definition of marriage to be that between a man and a woman, even those who think homosexuality is a sin, have a duty, a responsibility to vote for a definition that causes no harm to anyone. As voters of this nation, it is not our job to be moral police, it is not our job to prevent sin. Rather, as voters of this nation, it is our job to ensure the greatest freedom for EVERYone, as long as it doesn't infringe upon the rights of others. Tell me, how does a same-sex marriage infringe upon someones rights? How does it cause harm to anyone? You may see it as a sin, you may see it as disgusting, as dirty, but does it hurt you, does it limit your freedom? Unless you can answer yes to that question, I see it as your duty to allow same-sex marriage. Not to approve of it, but to allow it. This isn't a question of some "true" definition, because each of us has a different one; rather, this is a question of a definition of marriage that won't cause harm to anyone.

Unfortunately, the majority in this nation doesn't see things the way I do, don't see their duty the way I do. And so some rights are being denied to people. People are being denied the right to call themselves a wife, or a husband (along with hundreds upon hundreds of federal benefits). Therefore, this has become a civil rights issue. People are being discriminated against, therefore it's a civil rights issue. And since it is a civil rights issue, the courts now have every right, every responsibility, to make a decision on this issue. The have the responsibility to ensure that everyone in this nation has the same right to the title of Husband, and Wife.

Many terms have been redefined in order to ensure equality in this nation. It's time we redefine marriage once again, to ensure equality, to stop discrimination.

The Re-definition of Race in the US.
For quite a while in the US, if you had a single drop of “colored” blood, you were not considered white. Regardless of your skin-tone. The one-drop rule meant that if you had a single non-white ancestor, you were not considered white. At the time, this meant you were a second class citizen. Over time however, the lines of race were blurred, and moved altogether. Today, you race is dependant almost entirely on your skin tone, not your ancestry. This was more of a social change than a legal change, but it was a very significant one. Entire lives could be changed depending on the definition of white and black and multiracial. Yet our society changed the definition. These are not things set in stone. They can change. There is no absolute right definition.

The Re-definition of Citizen in the US.
Originally, in the United States, a citizen (meaning one who has the right to claim citizenship, and the rights that come along with it, including the right to vote) was defined as a white male. The definition then changed, so that a black male was considered 3/5 of a citizen. Later, the definition evolved once more so that a citizen was either a male, regardless of race. Even later, the definition evolved again so that a citizen included not only males but females as well. The definition of a US citizen has evolved through time. And never has this evolution occurred because of the will of the majority. This evolution has always occurred within the judiciary. The Courts were the ones to make this decision. Because, unfortunately, the majority cannot be trusted to hold equal rights for all, and it's never been given that right. Making sure everyone has equal rights, that none are being discriminated against has always been the job of the Judiciary.

The Re-definition of Marriage in the US.
In 1883, the state of Alabama declared that marriage was the union of a man and a woman of the same race, in Pace v. Alabama. Interracial marriage was legally seen as an oxymoron, because marriage, by definition, couldn't be interracial. The majority in this nation agreed with this decision. The majority in this nation didn't want a white boy marrying a black girl. It was dirty. It was a sin. Luckily, the Supreme Court didn't let the majority decide. Luckily, in 1967 the Supreme Court reversed it's decision. In the case of Loving v. Virginia the Supreme Court wisely declared that only allowing marriages between two people of the same race was violated the 14th Amendment. But it took 80 years. 80 years for the federal government to do anything.

It's time to continue this positive evolution of the term marriage. It's time to ensure that the term is used without discrimination. It's time to ensure that the definition of marriage cannot hurt anyone. Not to ensure that it's "correct", not to ensure we use the "true" definition. The government has never concerned itself with truth, not when everyone has a different idea of the true definition of a word is. Rather, the government should be concerned with the limitation of individual rights. In this case, the right to marry. The government should ensure that no one is being hurt, no one is being limited unnecessary. And the only time it is necessary to limit someone is if that limitation is needed to protect another person. But same-sex marriage doesn't harm anyone. It doesn't limit anyone's rights. Maybe some people think it's a sin. But ya know, some people still think interracial marriage is a sin. That's not a reason to not allow it. Sin or not, it doesn't hurt anyone, it doesn't limit anyone's rights, and so it should be legal. This isn't a question of MORALITY, it's a question of RIGHTS. The governments job is not to prevent immoral acts. Thats an individual's job, a family's job, a Church's job, God's job. Not the governments.

It's time our courts take one more step forward. It's time they stop this injustice. It's time we stop hiding behind an outdated definition of marriage. It's time people stop trying to be moral police. It's time this country takes one more step towards equality and freedom.

2005-07-06T00:04:00.000-04:00

Steal. Vulnerability. Death. Pain. Grevince. These are things I've learned about. These are things I've seen. These are things I CANNOT accept. I cannot accept how out world treats the exceptional. I cannot except how much pain is caused to those who deserve nothing but love. There are few people in the world who are truly marvelous people. Very few. And these are the people we marginalize. These are the people we punish, we torture, we tease. These are the people who go home and cry about how mean this world is. About how horrible a place this world is. WHAT ARE WE DOING????

How could we, as a people, be so heartless. How can we, as a people, care so little about love. I am ANGRY. I will not put up with this. It is WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I am furious that a person I love and care about is being denied the basic affirmations of life. I am furious that a person I care about must hide, out of fear. And worse, accept that that is simply how the world works. I am furious that some people have to put up with such crap, such utter bullshit, while the undeserving get anything they want.

I have been so blessed. I have never had my rights taken away. I can work where I want, live where I want, marry who I want. Love who I want. I've been given money to go to school where I want. I've been given a bed to sleep in. I've been given food to eat. I've been given friends to talk to. I've been given a family to love. I've been given a man to love. I've been given shoulders to cry on. I've been given the freedom to disagree. I've been given the freedom to scream, SCREAM. Yet what have I done to deserve such things? Nothing. I've been a good little girl. I've followed rules. But I've done nothing noble, nothing exceptional. (This isn't meant to put down myself, don't read it that way).

And the people who have done exceptional things. The people who give, instead of given, those people are the ones we deny. Those people are the ones we say are unworthy. Those people are the ones we are scared of. We are scared of greatness in others. So we put it down. We smash it. We trample greatness, because we are afraid of not measuring up. We deny those most worthy everything they deserve, and give it to those who are unworthy. I AM SO ANGRY. I am fuming inside, and crying on the outside. Tears are running down my face, and fires are being lit within me. I will not put up with this any longer. I will not stand for this. I must do something, do something now.

I don't know what to do though. I cannot see what path to follow. I am angry, I want to cause change, but I don't know how. I've thought for a while I could do political change, but I've come to the realization that it's social change, not political change, that is needed now. Maybe I should do some social change. I'm thinking of telling this my story at school. I don't know if I'll get approval. I want to though, I think it would be good. Maybe I'll ask for approval at some point later. Because I need to do something. This cannot go on. We cannot keep doing this to people.

This is happening because people don't see. They ignore what they don't want to see, they put up shields and don't look beyond themselves. This is unacceptable though. Absolutely UNACCEPTABLE. I've never been this passionate in my life. I've never felt this way before about anything. I will not accept the status quo. I will not pale in the face of the battle before me. I will not accept that I cannot do any good. I WILL do good. I WILL fight. I WILL cause change. I WILL improve the situation. I WILL make this world, this nation, a better place for the exceptional people, the wonderful people, the people that deserve to be on top, to be followed, to be mentors. I WILL. My determination gives me hope. My inability and refusal to accept anything less than success gives me hope. My goals may not be reached in my day, but I will make a step, I will help others to make a step. I will not simply sit back and watch with tears in my eyes and in my heart. The tears will be there, but I will be doing something about them. I will be fixing things. I will be fighting. I have chosen my battle ground. I have chosen my side. It is the side of love, of friendship, of honor, of justice. I am ready to act. Because our current state SHALL NOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE.

2005-06-29T00:23:00.000-04:00

There are so many things I don't know about. It continues to amaze me how much other people go through. I complain so much, especially to myself, about how shitty I've got things. About how I'm such a bad person, about all the crap I do. I know it's all my fault. But really, everything I've ever dealt with is trivial compared to the crap that other people must go through, have been forced to go through. Maybe it's wrong to compare challenges between two different people, but I can't help but think I don't know anything when it comes to hardships. I create hardships in my life, instead of realizing that I've got such a wonderful life. But enough about that.

It is amazing how strong people are in this world. The strength I can see in a person is absolutely amazing. I'm moved when I look at people, when I hear their story, and see how they still live their life. There are so many strong people in the world, SO MANY. And they are SO strong. They continue to deal with hardship after hardship. Yet instead of getting the recognition they deserve because of all the good they've done in the world, they get jealousy. All the people in the world are jealous of all the GOOD people. Why can't someone be good any people just love them for that? Is it so hard to love someone that you think has done great things, without wishing you were them? Without being envious? Jealous? Is it so hard to just LOVE someone for who they are and what they have done? I'm so proud of all the people in my life. I'm so proud of the people who I've become close to this past year. I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the goodness in them. I'm proud of myself for realizing that keeping good people around me doesn't diminish me, rather it inspires me to become greater myself. To stop all the deceit in my life. To stop all the attention grabbing. I'm getting there. I'm not there yet. I've made some major slip ups. But I know what I've done wrong, and I'm getting better. You people, all of the people that I was talking about, the strong, the good, you've helped me become someone I can love. Become someone I'm not ashamed of. Thank you for that. Know that you kind acts, your strength, you caring, it is appreciated. Even if I usually fail in saying anything, or in saying anything that caries the weight I'm feeling right now. I'm never felt so lucky in my life, to be surrounded by so many amazing people.

2005-06-13T13:42:00.000-04:00

There's something enchanting about the darkness. Something that always makes things different, always a little off, intriguing. Yet it's comforting as well. There's something warm about the coldness of the dark, of the night. A chilling comfort. It hides you from the exposure of light, from the 'garish light of day'. The light, however beautiful and inspiring, exposes all your flaws. It shows everything, every beauty, and every mistake. But in the darkness, you can hide what you've done, the scars on yourself. You can hide, and be whoever you wish to be. You can become something different, in the dark, guided by the pale moon. The cold, pale moon, that can light a fire in your soul. Raised high above in glory and despair, where endless lights of knowledge twinkle in the pale dark. Thoughts abound, unchecked and held in stark contrast of the infinite, empty, blackness. Nothing holds you back. Nothing constricts you. There are no duties in the darkness, no responsibilities. Darkness gives you a freedom that you cannot get anywhere else. A freedom from yourself. From the world. From all the weights you know you'll have to face once the light breaks over the horizion. Once you see those golden rays on the water, it's like watching the weight come back into the world. It's like watching you dreams be pushed away.. pushed away by that light full of guile.

2005-06-08T21:04:00.000-04:00

The heart has ways of knowing that the mind can never comprehend.

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't wanted to post anything superficial, and for a while, all my thoughts have been superficial. But not today.

It seems every couple of months all my views on everything change. Yet with every new change I'm sure it's absolutely right. And I think I've finally realized something. I always think I'm right because somewhere inside me, I already know everything. And I mean everything. It's all there inside. Which is why I always feel so secure about my knowledge. Basic Moral Intuition. Which is why I always know if something is right or wrong. I feel the answer. It's in my heart. It just takes some time for my mind to catch up. All the reasoning, all the questioning that I've gone through in the past three years, has really just been trying to find some way to reason out what I already know. And to understand what I know. I don't understand everything, but I know it. Just trying to find the words to describe what I feel. For in feelings there is truth, there is resolution. Thought just makes it usable. The essence is in feeling.

For quite a while I've objected to the thought of a Plan. Of Cosmic Order. Of Fate. Whatever you want to call it. And I've even found comfort in meaninglessness. Comfort in knowing nothing is Meant to happen. I'm not Meant to do anything. In that freedom I've found comfort. So in many ways, I've looked to the opposite of some great big order. Yet, at the same time, I've felt this fundamental connection to all things. Unity. Oneness. Wholeness. And so my mind has always felt conflicted. Because in all my readings, these two concepts have always been seen as conflicting. Everything can be connected if there is no order. You can't have Unity without a Plan. But I think that you CAN have Unity without a Plan. Things can be connected without being ordered. We can all be part of something, without being forced a certain way. We are all a part of something, so essence, but that isn't external from us. It's a part of us. It IS us. We are everything, we are connected, but we aren't Planned. This probably doesn't make sense. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the things that are really important, the big ideas, can never be expressed in words. To me, it's all in a tree. Written in that picture. I can't say it here in words. But somehow, it works. Connection without Order. Wholeness and Meaninglessness. That's what IS. And I like the idea. My hearts saying yes to what my mind is thinking.

How can we become more fully human and at the same time be saved from the fate of being merely human? Where is the Spirit in this God-forsaken, Goddess-forsaken world of modernity? Why are we destroying Gaia in the very attempt to improve our own condition? Why are so many attempts at salvation suicidal? How do we actually fit into this larger Kosmos? How are we whole individuals who are also parts of something Larger?

Can we not star into that vast and stunning Kosmos and respond with something more than oops?

In the Dark and the Deep there are truths that can always heal. It is not the forces of darkness but of shallowness that everywhere threaten the true, and the good, and the beautiful, and that ironically announce themselves as deep and profound. It is an exuberant and fearless shallowness that everywhere is the modern danger, the modern threat, and that everywhere nonetheless calls to us as savior.

We might have lost the Light and the Height; but more frightening, we have lost the Mystery and the Deep, the Emptiness and the Abyss and lost it in a world dedicated to surfaces and shadows, exteriors and shells, whose prophets lovingly exhort us to dive into the shallow end of the pool head first.

2005-05-24T17:12:00.000-04:00

And this is my second political philosophy paper. Not nearly as good as the first. And I didn't finish it becuase class started and it was due. But I find it interesting.

The Grand Inquisitor expresses the view that what people really want in life is happiness, achieved through material means. People don't want freedom, honor, choice, or responsibility. They want food. They want peace. They want substance. People would prefer being a well fed, secure slave than a free person, with all the responsibility that comes with choice. The Grand Inquisitor goes so far to claim that if you love mankind, you won't make men be free. You will save them from their responsibility, provide everything they think they need to be happy, and control them completely. To the Grand Inquisitor, this is how to provide the masses with happiness.

This essay raises interesting questions about what people really want. Do people want happiness, or do they want freedom? Is happiness possible without freedom? And what is freedom worth, if it doesn't provide a path towards happiness? While it's easy in any discussion to race about the wonders of freedom, the general view of freedoms place in society may not be a realistic one. Throughout history, politicians and philosophers have claim that freedom is a necessity of life, and that people want freedom. But is that really what people want? Just look at some recent events in American politics. The war on terror has made people scared, they don't feel secure, and so they are giving the government more and more power so they can be protected. Look at the American economy. We've got a mixed economy, where we give the government control over our economic freedoms, so that we can be ensured a basic standard of living. We give up our freedoms for bread. And our economy is one of the freest economies in the world. It's in my own life as well. One of the reasons I came to Webb is because I didn't have to deal with the responsibility of choosing a major, and choosing classes. I gave up freedom in my academic career in order to avoid choice. This is something that occurs over and over again in society. But is it what people want? Who can really make this judgment? People scream and yell over their right to freedom, but when it comes down to action, people choose peace, and possessions, over freedom on a regular basis. And who’s to say whether this is a right choice or not?

It sounds noble to say you fight for freedom, and I know the ideals of freedom appeal to me immensely. But what is freedom worth? What's the point of being free? This is not an easy question to answer, yet it seems that freedom is necessary to make life meaningful. Because what's the point of living a life, however happy, if you aren't free? If you aren't making any choices, can you consider your life your own? I believe that in order for life to have any meaning, any value, it must be a free life. Because a slave, a true slave, isn't really a human in any important way. They are a machine that does what they are told to do, is happy when they are told to be happy, and is sad when they are told to be sad. Freedom is what lets a person be a person, makes them unique, because each person will make their own, personal choices. It's our freedom to choose that gives us our humanity. So while the Inquisitor might be correct that people don't always want freedom, but that doesn't mean that if we love them we should save them from their own freedom. For saving someone from their freedom is the same as denying them their humanity, their value.

2005-05-16T18:24:00.000-04:00

This is why I love Harry Potter. It makes you think about things that you never would otherwise, yet once you do you realise how important they are in history, and in today's society. The though that's in my mind: voluntary slavery.

It's easy to say slavery is absolutely wrong, it today's society. From a purely theoretical issues, it's the most obvious thing in the world. Slavery is an absolute moral and ethical wrong, and anything any everything should be done to stop it. These are easy things to say. It's easy to condemn slave holders as well. Who doesn't, now a days? I know I've thought about how they're all really just evil people, and that society has progressed past that point, that we've changed, and are inherently good people now, completely different than 150 years ago. But I shouldn't judge them like that. Because I can't understand them. I don't know what it was like. And you cannot judge without understanding. It's comfortable to say slavery is wrong. You know that no one will disagree with you. It's what we've all been taught from day one of our lives. To me, slavery is unnatural and evil. It has always been that way and will always be that way. It's natural for me to condemn it, and to condemn anyone who allowed it to exist, especially those who fostered it's existance. That's natural for me.

But what if it wasn't? What if I grew up in an era where slavery was natural? Where it went against my instincts to say slavery is wrong? Where if I made such a claim, not only would I feel ostracized from everyone around me, and be completely excluded from and shunned by society, but it would feel wrong to me? What if it was going against everything I knew, and everything I was taught, to condemn slavery? That's a thing I could never imagine. I could never imagine slavery being comfortable. That is, I could never imagine. Thanks to J.K. Rowling, now I can and do imagine it. And it scares the shit out of me. Because I don't know what I would do.

Think I'm being crazy? Think I'm exposing the bigot inside of myself, that's been hiding there all along? Think this is a reflection of my southern raising? Ask yourself, when you were reading Goblet, did you think Hermione was being annoying. Did you think, well, maybe she's right, but why make such a big deal of it? Didn't Harry's responses to S.P.E.W. seemed reasonable? I'd be lying if I say I didn't. I completely sympathize with Harry. The house elves don't want to be free. You shouldn't force freedom on them. And it's such a pain. It's not hurting anyone to enslave house elves. It's in their nature to serve wizards. I get what Harry is saying completely. I understand it. It's probably what I would think. And that scares the crap out of me. Absolutely scares the crap out of me. Because I'm saying a form of slavery is OK. Maybe not preferable, maybe it would be better if they weren't enslaved, but there enslavement isn't all that bad.

But what do you do when people want to be enslaved? Hagrid's got a point when he says that it would be doing them a disservice to free them. It is an insult to their character. They don't want to be free, except for the rogue weirdo like Dobby. It's ignored a lot that a significant amount of American slaves wanted to be slaves. They felt it was their position in life, and it was wrong to put themselves in any other position. Yet, we like to say, looking back all high-and-mighty-like, that they were brainwashed. But what if someone truly enjoyed slavery? Who are we to say that that happiness is articifical and meaningless just because they don't have freedom? Ya know, maybe they've got things figured out. Maybe it is the most pleasing, most fulfilling life. To be taking care of others, making sure they have what they need. And to be taken care of yourselves. Never forget, when thinking on slavery, that the slaves are taken care of. The house elves are given food, given shelter, and anything else they needed to survive. It is much the same with American slaves as well. They were provided for in many ways that they could never of done on their own. Granted, it is the slaves that brought in the profit that allowed the slaveover to take care of them. But certain things would never of been accomplished without the symbiotic relationship between the slave and slaveowner. The house elves need wizards. And wizards need the house elves. And we call this unnatural? Why am I comfortable with slavery when it is presented in a fictional context and completely appalled with it when it is presented as history? And don't say it's because I know one is fiction. Because fictional characters mean so much more to me than historical ones. Dobby's plight touched my heart more than any story of an American slave has. Yet I find it alright to have a character that I care so much about, that touches me so much, to be enslaved. Why? Because they want it. But does that make it right?

Can you force freedom on someone? Is freedom the right thing for everyone? In American society, it's just an unquestionable thing that freedom is good (at least when people use those terms). It's the founding principle of this nation, and it's embedded in the souls of all Americans. At least, it's embedded in my soul, and that's naturally how I judge all Americans. But what is the point of freedom? I've always thought freedom was a necessity of happiness. You couldn't be really happy without freedom. But what if you could? What if freedom is just one path to happiness? Isn't it possible that serving others is another way? The house elves don't view themselves as enslaved. They think they are serving others. Who are we to call that enslavement, with all the negative connotations that comes with it? Yet, who are we to control the lives of other living beings, absolutely and completely. Do people have the freedom to choose not to be free? Is it not tyranny to force freedom onto people? Or is it just forcing people to take responsibility for their actions?

I don't have any answers for these questions. They are simply in my head, seemingly impossible to resolve. And while thinking about them, I'm forcing myself to think about the house elves. Because I'm comfortable with their enslavement. It seems alright, okay. And I know that that is the situation in which you need to most ask these questions. Because then they are easy, theoretical questions. They are real questions, with real implications (cause house elves are real!!!). And they are hard questions to ask.

You may be wondering why these questions matter. That our society has already solved these questions, one way or another. But these are extremely relevant questions in todays society. Just look at the trend to give up our liberties for greater security. It's everywhere these days. And it's the same essential debate. People giving up their freedoms, because they want to. It allows them to have more security, feel safer in their lives. Should people be allowed to do this? Should people be allowed to give away their freedom? (Their freedom, not everyones freedom). That's such an odd question, in so many ways. I wish I knew the answer.

2005-05-11T01:28:00.000-04:00

It's weird that I'm so happy. I've never really been like this. I mean I've been happy before, don't get me wrong. But I've never been really really happy. Like deep down type happy. I mean even at the happiest times in my life, I've always been insecure. I've always been afraid of something, been upset by something. Because that's the natural course of life. Rarely is someone happy about everything. Yet recently, it's as though nothing can bother me. My self-confidence has been boosted like crazy. I've boosted by own self-respect. I've stopped putting myself down so much (at least to myself, in a serious manner). I've worked through a lot of things that have really been bothering me this past year. I've figured it all out, found my answer.

So I'm going to stop. Stop being destructive to myself. It's become a habit for me recently. To hurt myself in one way or another. Always for "good" reasons. To help someone else. To make myself better. But really, I shouldn't of been doing such things. Like, since this year started, I've been trying to loose weight, and prolly in not the healthiest way. I'm going to stop doing that. It's not worth it. I'm going to be healthy again, to stop being so destructive to myself.

Because I am happy. I don't need to change myself, for myself or for those around me. I like me as I am, I like my situation as it is. That's something I've never really said before. So from now on, hopefully, you'll see a happier me. At least in all the important ways. Deep inside, I'm happy.

2005-05-09T18:53:00.000-04:00

I've become obsessed with fantasy art. Especially Linda Bergkvist and Jessica Galbreth. I don't know what it is about this type of art, but I can't stop just staring at it. It's absolutely fascinating.

It takes you to another world. That sounds so cliche, yet it's so true. It's like seeing my emotions put down on paper. In art. It's the same feeling you get when you hear a really good song, a Billy Joel, Bob Dylan type song. Those songs that just move you. That's what fantasy art has become to me. It moves me to a world of emotion, pure, unlimited emotion. Where it's okay to be afriad, it's okay to be mysterious, it's okay to be a little dark sometimes.

I'm looking at the print of Dark Enchantment that I got. I've seen this picture so much, yet even now, it's hard to keep my eyes away from it, to look at the screen and type this. The mystery. The beauty. She's totally calm, completely sure of herself. And the eyes call out to you, a pool of possibility hidden behind two white eyes. They call out to you to take you to another place, another world. Away from the mudane world of ours to a world of fantasy. A world of wonder, of enchantment.

Come little children, I'll take thee away
Into a land of enchantment
Come little children, the time's come to play
Here in my garden of magic

Gotta love Hocus Pocus. But seriously, how much more awesome would it be if we lived in a world of fairies and dragons and nymphs and elves. Witches and Wizards. Aes Sedai. All the cool things you read about. I love dreaming about such things. My mind lives in a world of fantasy, even if I do not. That's something at least. You may think I'm being crazy. You may thing I'm losing touch with reality. I call it enjoying myself. I know whats real, and I know what's not. And I know there are things between, that you can't prove don't exist. And it's fun sometimes, to imagine. To dream. To pretend. We lose a lot when we grow up. We lose the innocence of childhood. But much more important, we loose the imagination of a child. I think we should all try to gain that back. To fight for our imagination. Because it can make everyday a good day. May everyday a wonder.

To see Beauty in everything around you. And if you can't see it, to make it. And if you can't make it, to imagine, to believe in it. That is my goal. Beauty. Wonder. Mystery.

2005-05-06T02:58:00.000-04:00

Everything is meaningless. And for me, that's a comforting thought.

There is no ultimate plan. There is no set purpose, set goal. This makes me happy. Most people, through all the ages, have always searched for meaning. It's why so many people turn to religion, for meaning. That's why people study philosophy. It's all a search for meaning in life. So many people seem to want life to mean something, to have a purpose. Yet I'm so glad to realize that it doesn't.

Having a meaningless life means that I can do whatever I want with it. No one is going to judge me when I die, and say no, you failed. I'm not forced into a life that I don't necessarily want just because it seems 'right'. I am living my life just for my own pleasure, and nothing else. I'm not living it for notoriety, I'm not living it for a cause. I'm not living it for some eternal blessing. I'm living just for me. That and nothing else. And it feels so great. I can do what I want with my life. If I want to have fun I can have fun. If I want to work I can work. If I want to curse, and yell and scream, I can curse and yell and scream. Granted, I have to deal with all the earthly consequences of my actions. But there are only earthly consequences. No eternal being is going to damn me for living an enjoyable life. I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. I'm going to enjoy life.

I also love that this is all that there is. The idea that there is no afterlife is incredibly comforting to me. The reason? It makes this life important. I mean think about it, if after this life you go on to some eternal, infinite life, how does this one even compare. This one is incredibly insignificant in comparison. And if we keep living mortal lives over and over again, what does one really count? Not much. But if this is all we have. If this is it, and then we go back to the periodic table, well damn, this is IT! It's important. It's all we got. So LIVE IT WELL. If this life is all I have, I sure as hell aint gonna waste it. I'm going to make every moment could count. Because any could be the last. And I mean the LAST. Not just the last before something else, but the real last, absolute end of everything. So make this worth it. Love what you have now, because it's all you'll ever have. Make this life everything you could ever want.

Yes, I think my views are comforting. They make this life important, but without a directed goal, a set path you must follow. Make this life wonderful, in whatever way you want. That's my view on things. And I like it. For once, I like my views. They make me happy.

2005-05-02T12:39:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to be less spiteful towards the world.

It amazes me that even in communities that are "anti-oppression", with all those free-thinkers, there is still so much discrimination. But it's a new form, at least new to me. It's discrimination against the majority. It's one thing to not be in the majority, by choice or my fact, but it's another entirely to hate the majority solely because it is the majority. That's just as spiteful, just as harmful, as hating the minority just because they are different. And this isn't some rare occurance. It happens everyday.

How many times have you heard someone say all Christians are bigots? That all Christians hate everyone who isn't Christian? I hear it all the time. In fact, much more than I ever see Christians going off on other people, I see other people victimize themselves and so put all Christians in the role of victimizer. Yet that's so not the case. You want an example? The one person who has been most open about my spirituality, a devot Roman Catholic. The one person who has been most closed-minded about it, a fellow Atheist. I've never once heard an atheist say anything less than derogatory towards a Christian. Not once. Yet, being an atheist, I never once had a Christian ever say anything derogatory to me. Not once. And that's not for lack of chance. God knows, I get in enough religious conversations to get them plenty of chance.

Yet even I'm guilty of being angry at someone because they are in the majority. But I've finally realized it's because I'm jealous of them. Sometimes I wish I was in the majority. It would be nice if people assumed you were atheist, unless otherwise noted. Instead of assuming you were Christian unless otherwise noted. And I'm not talking just religion, that's simply the easiest example because it's got nice labels (yes I just said that). It IS nice to have most of society on your side for once. I miss that greatly. I'm jealous of those who have that. It's tiring to always be different.

But I can't let jealousy rule me. So I'm trying to stop being so spiteful to the majority. I'm trying to stop being so judgemental. I can't know someone by the name they call themselves, by the book(s) they read, even by what they say of themselves. So I'm trying to stop. Because I've been way to judgemental lately, and it's caused me to be bitter towards the world. And I don't like being bitter. I like loving everyone and being happy-go-lucky. So, I'm working on it.

2005-04-30T02:53:00.000-04:00

I just read this awesome article on what is here. Located here.

It's an interesting idea of what makes something exist. Is there really this true reality out there somewhere, waiting to be discovered. What the hell does it matter what's really there. Isn't Truth more important than what affects our lives, what moves society. I have said for quite a while that God doesn't exist. And I've had that superior feeling time and time again that I know something everyone else is too blind to see. I've felt contempt and pity for those poor fools that still think there is a God.

But it doesn't make one damn difference.

There is a God in that God gives people support everyday. God has started wars. God has ended wars. God has helped people and harmed people. So how can he not exist? Even if he only exists in the minds of tons of misguided fools. Doesn't that make him real as well? Not real in the sense of Truth. But real in the sense of what matters. He's there and he changes things everyday for billions of people.

So what does make something real? A foundational belief of my life is that there was a Truth out there, a real reality, and that I was searching to uncovered exactly what it was. But does it really matter at all? Is all life a fantasy? For someone so obsessed with finding Reality, I find it interested that I'm so obsessed with fantasy, it covers my walls and my bookshelves, it takes all my time. Maybe fantasy is the way things should be. What makes Athens more real than Atlantis? That we have evidence? So what. Atlantis is a much more inspiring place, it has had tons of influence on the minds of the young. Doesn't that make it real. It has stories. It has a history. It has changed the world. Doesn't that make it more than a fancy? Or maybe we should make fancies realities.

It's about time I stopped looking for Reality, and starting looking at what matters. What changes the world. What changes society. What changes me. That, not some mysterious truth that doesn't do jack shit, is what really matters.

2005-04-25T00:45:00.000-04:00

Spring Break! Wow... just wow.

So it's somewhat depressing to be back at Webb. I'm avoiding doing my calculus homework. I'm avoiding cleaning. I'm avoiding talking to everyone else at Webb so that I can pretend that I'm not back here. I just wish this week didn't have to end.

There's so much I want to write right now. Yet I can't. So much in my mind I can't get out. Eh.

I suppose I should be happy to be back at Webb. It's weird to say this, but for me it is coming home. I have no other home besides Webb really. It'll be nice to sleep in my own bed. It's amazing how comfortable familiarity is. I start to like things just because they are what I am used to. Which I suppose is the flip side of fearing change to much. I wish nothing had to change.

Bleh, I'm rambling. I suppose that's what this thing is for. But I just can't get my thoughts out tonight. There's too much going on. I don't know where to begin.

2005-04-12T05:02:00.000-04:00

This is a paper I wrote for my political philosophy class. I actually enjoyed writting it and like it, so I'm posting it here.

Reason versus Faith. That's the eternal battle mankind faces. It’s a battle that, if history is any clue, will never end. Is it a sin to doubt our God (or gods, or Goddess, whichever is your preference), a sign of a lack of faith, or is it a sign of philosophical inquiry that leads one on the path to Truth? Should our moral and ethical codes be based on the dictates of a divine being, or on a rational path to a good life? These are the questions that have plagued humanity for ages. These are the questions that have been at the root of countless wars, and countless debates. It is precisely these questions that can explain the conflict between the Greek and Hebraic cultures. Hebraic wisdom is faith-based wisdom, coming directly from the Word of God. Greek wisdom is a scientific wisdom, the first truly secular wisdom.

Believe not because some old manuscripts are produced, believe not because it is your national belief, believe not because you have been made to believe from your childhood, but reason truth out, and after you have analyzed it, then if you find it will do good to one and all, believe it, live up to it, and help others live up to it.

Buddha said it well. The sentiment he expressed closely resembles that of the Greeks. In Greek culture, reason was praised. Education wasn’t about reading old books, memorizing rules set down in them. Education was about learning how to think, not what to think. Greeks taught each other how to figure out the world, to discover truth (or to discover whether there even is Truth). They were able to open the world up to philosophy and science precisely because of their lack of faith, and dependence on reason. Unlike the Hebrews, they didn’t have a written code of behavior that they must follow, or be punished for all eternity. The Greeks also didn’t have a separate class of priests, which allowed more people access to spiritual literature, which naturally leads to more questioning of that literature. Because of these vital differences in the religious framework of the Greeks and the Jews, the Greeks were able to question religion, which lead to secularism. Greek society was very open to agnostic and atheistic views, shown by the famous playwright Critias, who, in his plays, claimed gods were a creation of man to control the mob. This would never have been allowed in Hebraic society, which was very closed-minded when it came to religious deviance.

Because of their different views of religion, the values that governed the Hellenic and Hebraic societies are very different. The Hebrews are largely a guilt-based society, while the Greeks are an honor-based society. The Hebrews were guilt bound because they were told to follow a set of rules, and would face a final judgment day were God would decide whether they followed those rules enough to warrant entrance into Heaven. The Greeks, however, had no set of rules, and no fear of judgment after death, as they all ended up in Hades. The implications of this difference in governing values can be seen most clearly in how each society views taking the life of another human being. The Hebrews would view this as a sin, because it was laid out in the 10 commandments that “Thou shall not kill.” (Though how this works with all the wars they participated in, I still don’t understand). The Greeks, however, viewed killing and necessary and even right in certain circumstances. If a Greeks honor has been offended, he (usually not she) is expected to get revenge, and this usually ended in killing the person who offended you. This was not seen as wrong, or immoral, because honor, not morals, was valued above all else by the Greeks.

The differences between the two societies go on and on, but almost every difference stems from the debate between Reason and Faith. But this isn’t a conflict that only affected these two societies. The debate continues even into current times. Our modern society, with all its philosophical and technological advancement, still goes back and forth on this issue. Questions of whether we should teach Creationism or Evolution in our schools, of whether abortion should be legalized, of whether a biblical definition of marriage is a correct definition, all are questions of reason versus faith. The only difference in this modern day is that these questions exist within a single society, not between two different societies.

Plato was aware of this essential conflict, and through his work tried to bridge the gap between the Hebraic and Hellenistic cultures. In the Myth of Er, Plato was telling people to shape up, to be good, or else they’d be judged unworthy and punished in the afterlife. This is very reminiscent of the view of judgment and punishment held by the Hebrews. Yet, when Plato’s tells people how to shape up, he shows the Hellenistic influence on his work. Plato advocates reason as the path to discover what the good life is. In this way, he blends the two beliefs. Use reason to find out what is right, but do it based on faith. This blend is indeed very similar to the attempt modern Christianity makes at merging reason and faith (or claim it does).

Personally, I don’t understand what all the debate is about. I don’t understand why, with all the knowledge we have, all the learning we, as a society, have done, people still think faith is necessary. I respect faith, but doubt, questioning, reasoning, that’s what educates us, what opens up new worlds of thought. I’ve never understood the idea that I should do something because I’ve been told to, because some old book says to. If it doesn’t make sense why do it? But, I suppose that’s why the debate will never be resolved. I believe it’s next to impossible for people with opposing views on this issue to understand each other. Most religious people I’ve meet don’t understand how I couldn’t have faith in God. They don’t get me, I don’t get them. But without understanding, no resolution can occur. Without understanding, Truth can’t be found. Maybe that’s why this debate has gone on for so long, and will continue for many more ages to come.

2005-04-10T20:18:00.000-04:00

Today is a good day. It's been a while since I've just had a really good day. A beautiful day. It was so nice outside. Sunny and warm and just right. I almost forgot how much I love just walking through the woods. I think I could spend all day walking through Welwyn. Or sitting down at the beach. I discovered a new place to sit down there. On the rocks. Where you can just sit and listen to the waves. I love that sound so much. I went down there twice today. Also discovered it's a very good place to read and to watch the sunset. Damn, I'm so lucky. Very few people get the chance to see a sunset like the one I can see.

Oh, it's so nice to just have a good day. A good environment. Good conversation. Good thinking. Good reading. Just in general good. And no bad at all, it's great. At some point I'll have to write down all the thoughts I've been having recently. Mainly dealing with the flaws of democracy. It's a scary thing when I'm questioning democracy, and the very concept of freedom. It's like questioning my own foundations, that I thought were stronger than anything else. I'm still just so damn unsure about it all. It's good questioning though. Very good. And I never realized how hard it was to answer the simple question, What is Freedom? It's very hard. Very complex. Eh, I've got so many thoughts on this I can't think straight. But today's been a good day for thoughts. I'm glad I've starting thinking about things again. I don't like being in a state of constant beliefs. I love it when I think so much that my beliefs are constantly changing and evolving. Because growth, that's almost as important as truth. And Truth isn't static. Evolution is always necessary to find and keep Truth. So I'm working on that evolution again. And am pretty damn happy about it.

2005-04-07T19:34:00.000-04:00

Only after the last tree has been cut down,
Only after the last river has been poisoned,
Only after the last fish has been caught,
Only then will you find that money cannot be eaten.
-Cree Indian Prophecy

People forget about how wonderous Nature is. Everytime I'm outside I'm amazed by something. Have you ever just sat and listened to natural life. It's beautiful. More amazing than any music man has ever written. Ever changing. Full of energy. Of love, of pain, of sorrow. Everything we write about, everything we dream about, it's all there, if we'd just bother to listen. My new obsession is the sound of the waves hitting the shore. Not a sound I ever really heard before coming to Webb. I can't get enough of it now. I walk down to the beach all the time just to here it. On some nights, some quite nights, I can here it from outside Montley. Those are the nights I can be found with a strangely content look on my face. Something about that sound, just seems so right, makes me feel so right, so safe, so welcome. I know it doesn't make sense. But it's all there in nature. I'm just so glad I've learned to listen.

And, oh, the wonders that are laid before our eyes everyday if we'd only look. I forget a lot what a beautiful place I live in. I sit here and complain about how I miss the beauty of Georgia, but really I just need to realize that there is beauty here, Beauty, just different then that of Georgia. No, I can't smell the pines anymore. No, I can walk to the top of the hill and see only green tree tops. There's no muddy Chattahoochee to lap my feet in. Instead there is Welwyn. There is each solitary, majestic tree on campus, and the water! God, the water! Its so beautiful when you just learn to look. Learn to see. Have you ever just looked, and I mean really looked, at a leaf? See the detail, the intricacy, that no human being could ever replicate, or even dream of. The answer to everything, all those unanswerable questions, is there, in the veins of a leaf. If we could only learn the key, figure out how to decifer it. Though for now, I'm happy just being amazed with all I see around me. I hope I never stop being amazed.

2005-04-06T19:00:00.000-04:00

Talk about a hard fucking week. A trip to this hospital in an ambulence. A day spent sleeping/crying. Two tests. Endless loads of homework, most left incomplete. And it's only Wendsday. Why do I do such things to myself? Bleh, enough of this self-doubt, self-hate, and self-pity. I'm just too sick of it. I'm going to get everything back in order again. I'm going to start loving myself again. Cause I can't keep on going as I have been. I can't keep on hating myself, and trying to change everything I've ever done and been. So from now on, hopefully, I won't be bitching about how terrible my shit smells anymore. None of that.

So, to start with the positive outlook thingy, I've got the best damn guy beside me anyone could ever ask for. Someone who not only puts up with all the shit I've pulled this week, but also helps me through it. Couldn't ask for more. Thank you. And, as I always say, because music says so much more than words possibly can, I end with some lyrics for you.

If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time

Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time

Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for

Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time

I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for

I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

2005-04-03T21:32:00.000-04:00

God fucking damn it. How does he make me do it. How does he make me say and feel things I thought were saftely locked up inside of me. How does me make me say things I didn't even know I felt. I had kept them so hidden I forgot I was hiding them. God damn it. I hate this part of me. I wish I could go back to my high school self where I knew how to turn off caring. I knew how to say no, I will not feel this way. No, I will not be sad. I wish I was still able to do that. It's so much better to not care at all then to let all the pain in. At least I wish I could still keep it hidden. Keep it from coming to the surface, coming out. I wish I could forget about my past. Forget about everything that I gave up. Forget everything that I was. I thought moving away did that. I thought getting out of that damn state would make all these memories go away. I should of known it was a fools errand. I am hopelessly and endlessly tied to my past. I can't get away no matter how hard I try. I can't get away from all the fear, the anger, the pain. But worse, I can't get away from all the joy I know I once had. I loved, just loved, so much. And I gave it all away for a god damn fucking whim. A fucking whim that is now failing miserably. Mainly because I'm giving up. Story of my life: giving up. I do a real good job of giving up. God fucking damn it. How does he make me feel these things. How does he get in where even I can't get.

2005-04-03T17:55:00.001-04:00

Coffee and Cigarettes.

That's the sum total of my life right now.

From my breast pocket, draw out a small box, tap out a cigarette. A snap, a crackle, a spark, and the tip of the cigarette lights. The tiny glow of light in the cold city street. The tiny warmth, before the coldness of reality. I take a long drag and look at the newest victim, destined to become a file number. Exhale slowly and watch the smoke rising up into the city.

Until death, life is just a series of moments.

A series of moments. Feel the burn in your throat. Heat. Energy. Coffee and cigarettes. Books and Thoughts. Fantasy and Theory. People and Birds. Watching and Waiting. I don't know what I'm saying. Don't know what I'm thinking. I wish things could be black and white. I wish everything wasn't so complicated. I wish I could step out of my life of watching others. That's what I do. I sit, and drink my coffee, and watch them. I love watching people. I love seeing them do all the little things that make up life. How a young couple tries to always touch each other. How and old couple seems to move as one. No awkward fumblings. Perfect Harmony. As some people shy away from bright sunlight, and others seem to embrace it. How truly helpful people are. If someone drops a book, a pen, anything, there is always someone helping them to pick it up. I love to see how some people smile when they get eye contact with a stranger, and others look away in shame. What is shameful about having your eyes connect with another? I love watching someone reading, deep in though, it's as though you can see what they are thinking. Or rather, how they are thinking. I don't know. There is something special about people. Sometimes I wish I wasn't doing the watching though. Sometimes I wish I could get my act together and be the one doing the living, the one worth watching.

I was watching the birds today out on the field. God, it's beautiful and sad to watch their movements. It's amazing how they all instantly, and I mean instantly get up and move together, each moving the exact same distance as the one next to them, in the exact same direction. It's amazing how harmonious it all looks. And there is no leader saying "Go here, Go there, Stop, Start". It's all done as a collective. It's amazing the harmony simply birds can possess. Which just furthers my belief that there is something connecting them all. Connecting all of us actually. But I won't get into that right yet. Wouldn't it be wonderful though if we humans payed enough attention to each other, feeling each, that we could learn to move in such concord? Wouldn't that that be capital B Beauty? But the amazing thing with the birds is even though they all move together, there are still those one or two birds that go their own way, yet are still with the group. I saw one that flew into the trees while all the others stayed on the field. It separated itself. Went its own way. Found its own most comfortable perch. Yet it was still with the group. Still a part of the whole somehow. That would be true Beauty, if humans could do such a thing. Allow those who wish to go their own way, yet still have them as part of the whole. Just fucking beautiful.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Confucius

We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are all noble pursuits, and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
Keating, Dead Poet's Society

2005-04-03T15:55:00.000-04:00

Well, the Pope died. I'm suprised that I care. I didn't think that I would. I probably wouldn't of noticed that the Pope ever existed except for the fact that he died. But, considering how much religion has been on my mind recently, I guess it's not that suprising. And even I, a spritiual Atheist, will admit that the Pope's death is a tragedy. Not because some great messager from God has died, but because a person millions of people looked up to for support has died. Much the same as when John Lennon died. Wow, I can't even think of another modern day example. It is a sad thing that there is not a single person alive right now that means enough to everyone that their death would shake the world? It's a very sad thing. Yet I cannot think of a single person. I wish there were a Beatles of today. The Who. Someone or something on that scale. It's sad that we have no such cultural icon. Maybe we just don't require one. In this age of politics, people seem to of forgotten the importance of idols. Ahh, idols isn't the right term, but I can't think of another. We've forgotten the importants of the arts, as more than simple entertainment. We've forgotten that politics simply lets us live our life, it's isn't our life. Why do I think this? Because go into any bookstore, and you know the two authors that will be stuck in your face the moment you enter until the moment you leave: Michael Moore and Ann Coulter. God fucking close-minded assholes. I hate both of them so much. They throw facts out the window, misinterpret and misquote everything to make their point. I'm just so sick of the hatred that exists in politics today. It should be this way. People shouldn't hate each other over a difference of beliefs. People shouldn't judge each others character based on their political agenda. It drives me fucking crazy. Especially because, being the wonderous hypocrite that I am, I do the exact same thing. Politics has the possibility of being a wonderful tool. An amazing thing where each and every citizen can change this country we live in (though whether that's good or not i'm starting to doubt. damn Plato, i read too much). But what have we made politics? A slaughtering ground. A place for one person to bash the other to no end. To bring up everything they've ever done wrong and throw it in their face. Is that what was mean when we created this country? Wasn't politics suppose to be a fight for Justice? Man, I don't know what I'm saying. I know I hate what we have now, what we've done to this nation, but I have no clue what would be better.

Hah, and this was meant to be a post on religion. Whoops.

2005-03-31T23:08:00.000-05:00

The dichotomies are absolutely
either/or
right/left
light/dark
male/female
masculine/feminine
hetero/homo
white/of color
upper class/working class
middle class/homeless
young/old
able-bodied/differently abled.

No room
for all points
in between

No room
for the perfect
Kinsey 2,3,4,5

for
both/and
middle ground
dawn/dusk
transsexual
transvestite
bisexual
mixed race/culture/class
middle age
temporarily abled/hidden disability

absolutely
no room
for all points in between.

But reality is not
this or that
it is
all of this
and
all of that

and
they meet/merge/mingle
in between.

-----------------

I love that. It sums up so many of my feelings. So many dichotomies, so many categories, so many boxes. Sometimes I wish I could express what I'm thinking as well as other people do. Anyway, I've been reading a lot, and I mean a lot, about gender identity and sexual identity, and I'm really amazed at everything I've seen. All our identities (and I mean all of them) are so fluid, so dynamic. I know I'm repeating what I've already posted, but I just can't get this idea off my head. I think it's because however much I hate the dichotomies that society has created, they are embedded deep inside my bones, and I don't know if I'll ever get rid of them. Finding a label that fits you gives you a sense of community. Of culture. Of approval. After all, if something doesn't even have a name, how can it be right? natural? It feels very safe, secure, when you can label yourself. Even though I hate what labels do to people, I don't think I'll ever get rid of the secret desire I have to label myself. It's why I constantly think about categories. About identities. About belief systems. I'll never stop thinking about them until I can find a box for myself, or truly accept being alone in who I am. I'm afraid because there is no one like me. It was so much easier being a good little Mormon girl, who followed all the rules, fit all the roles placed upon me. That was an easy life. I knew exactly what I was suppose to do. I knew exactly how other people would react to me. I knew exactly what I believed. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that life. But I know it was a lie. However comfortable, however safe, it was a lie. And I refuse to live a lie. I refuse to claim some label just becuase it makes me comfortable. And no label will every truly, fully, apply. I live in the world of in between. I am all of this all of that. I am and/or/both/more.

2005-03-31T03:38:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just need to write. I don't really know why, but I do. It lets me get out feelings. It forces me to realize what my feelings are. It forces me to think through all my thoughts. I've been feeling so odd lately I don't know what to think about it. Why is it that when one part of your life finally starts going so right, everything else comes crashing down beside you. School is just a miserable failure for me this semester, mainly because I've lost the motivation to keep working. It's hard to put effort into classes when I can't see any way I'll be able to be here next year. It's just too much money. And I hate putting that on the shoulder of my parents. I hate that I'm asking them for money at the one time they really can't afford it. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I'm also starting to think I should just make a permanent break from my friends in Georgia. Everyone who I've kept in touch with just causes me to stress out. Every time I visit some huge crisis happens, that usually ends with me in tears, or worse, to sad to cry. I'm really getting sick of it. I love everyone in Georgia so much, I care about you all so much, but I just can't keep holding on to these friendships that are doomed to fail. I can't keep holding on to something I lost the day I moved away from Georgia. Then there's my emotional stability, which has just gone down the drain. I've been thinking to much, about everything. I should remember that thinking is a dangerous thing for me. It always messes with my head. With my feelings. But, with all that going on, this still is such a wonderful time for me. Because this is a time when a part of my life is going completely, absolutely right. I've never been this happy. Ah, I don't know what I'm saying. Life sucks and life is wonderful. How is it that those can both me true at the same time? How is it that I can be so numb, but feel so much, at the same time? I don't know. It's odd. It's weird.

2005-03-29T22:34:00.000-05:00

Do Passion and Reason conflict? There has always been an age old battle between the two. Yet I'm starting to think that the reason this battle will never be resolved is because there is no conflict in the first place. Passion and Reason are obviously very different things. And if you use them as a solution to the same problem you'd get incredibly different answers. But I'm starting to realize that the problem isn't which to use, its where the proper place of each is. Reason and Passion should never be used for the same thing. They belong in completely different categories. Passion is what guides our lives, our goals, our values. It's what tells us what we wish to live for. If I'm passionate about a cause then I'll guide my life towards that cause. Passion decides where our lives go. Reason, on the other hand, is a tool to help us reach our goals. If I'm passionate about a certain goal, I use reason to accomplish that goal. Reason is what gets us to where we want to go. Passion is the rail, reason the wheels. Both are needed to live a satisfactory life. You can be ruled entirely by reason, because then how would you decide what to do with your life? If reason is strictly followed, everyone would have the same exact goals, because there is no inherent difference between two people. It's our passions that make us different. That make us unique. It's our passions that inspire us to use Reason in a productive manner. You also can't live your life with Passion alone. Being passionate about something doesn't get that something done. Just because I care about gay rights doesn't change the status of gay rights in the US. I need by reason to help me create the change. But I need my passion to have the desire to create that change. I think we have a serious problem when we claim that the two are opposite, and fight one with the other. That's incredibly destructive to ourself. Because we are destroying one essential part of ourself with another. The significant part is that logic is something that guides you. It doesn't give you a purpose. It can't tell you what your ultimate goal should be. But it can guide you to that goal. Passion is what gives us purpose, logic is a tool to achieve that purpose. This is why I don't think they conflict with one another, logic is a means to achieve our passion.

2005-03-29T18:22:00.000-05:00

Life's weird at the moment. It's been a year. I miss her. I should be sadder than I am. I feel horrible living a happy life right now, being happy without her here. But I am happy. I think I'm seriously going crazy though. I had another episode. I feel like I'm constantly controlling myself, that I'm going to snap any minute now, completely losing it. I thought I got over this last semester. I think it's because it's been a year. I year since I lost part of my soul. God, how I miss her. Memories. Episodes. Love. Fear. That's my life right now. I can never stop thinking, stop feeling, even for a moment. I wish I could just turn my head off for a time. I have so many thoughts abounding in my mind I don't know what to do with them. It doesn't help that I keep reading more, getting intrigued by more things, more people, studying more. Gender, Religion, Philosophy. Michelle. Michael. Beauty, Oneness. So many words, so many thoughts. Language is too limiting. Love makes me weak. Loss rips at my heart.

Trees are so damn beautiful. Beautiful. Any concept about any part of life can be shown in a tree. I love how it branches off. You start with a trunk, and that one center splits and splits and splits and splits. Smaller and smaller branches, diverging, each taking a different path. Yet each is the same. There really is no difference. It is the diverging nature of the branches and twigs that cause the tree to reach out in all directions, to seem to embrace the world around it. A lone trunk can't do such things. A single trunk sees only that directly in front of it. Multiple viewpoints of each separate branch are necessary to see the whole picture. Each branch sees something different, but that doesn't make some right and some wrong. Everyone in the world sees something different than everyone else. Yet it is the united picture of what we all see that forms reality. We are all right, even though we are all different. Yet we are all also the same, just a different part of the same tree, all coming from the same trunk. God damn, I love trees so much. It's also interesting to see that a single trunk has multiple roots. Many things come together, merging, forming the common basis of a tree, of mankind.

Language is limiting. It's simply a human construct, that we created with it's failings and all. And as we created it, we change it over time. I've never realized that as much as I do now. There are so many thoughts in my head that I just can't express. I try so hard to put them into words and fail completely. Even when I succeed in putting a small piece of my thoughts into words, they are misinterpreted by others. The limited nature of our language is responsible for so much misunderstanding of people. If every time we opened our mouth, the people listening truly understood what we meant, there would me so much less friction, dissent, whatever you want to call it in the world. There would be less hate. With understanding, it is impossible to hate. Because there are no truly evil people in the world. If we could understand everyone around us, we'd realize that while they may do horrible things, unforgivable things, there is still goodness in them. They are simply misdirected, misinformed. But our language doesn't allow us that type of understanding. Why else would so many people turn to art, to music, to other forms of expression. There is something expressed in music that language can never capture. There is something similar in artwork. I can feel so much pain, so much despair from looking at a picture. It is able to express everything our words can not explain. It captures feeling. I don't know. I can't explain. My point exactly.

Thinking that you know the "Whole Truth" keeps you from learning anything more; hence you stagnate; hence you die. But knowing that every truth is merely a metaphor, merely a tool, leaves you free to learn and to grow, by setting aside old metaphors as you learn or evolve better ones.
-Aidan Kelly

Traditions are merely roots and roots are only one part of the whole tree.
-Morning Glory Zell

2005-03-29T02:42:00.000-05:00

I'm just beginning to realize how truly dangerous labelling is. To label another is the natural tendancy of a human being. We see another person and we ask, "who are you?". What is their job, what is their religion, what is their sexuality, what is their gender, what is their politics. Student, Atheist, Heterosexual, Female, Libertarian. That's me with some labels. None of them fit though.
I'm a student, I'm also a teacher. Being a student is not who I am though. It is not my entire existance. Neither will my career define me in the future. It will be something I do, not who I am.
I'm also not truly an atheist. Do I believe in God? No. Do I believe in god? No. Do I believe in science? Yes. Do I believe in the supernatural? No. Yet I'm spiritual. I believe in the soul, I believe in Nature. I believe there is something that joins all living creatures. Some call this god, some call this God, some call this Mother Nature, some call it Physics, I call it Something. Does that belief make me religious? There is no answer to that question. I cannot be categorized into a religious belief system because there is no system that I agree with 100%. I am not a system of beliefs. I have an organic set of beliefs that grows and changes over time. I'm currently calling myself a spiritual atheist, but that's just because I find it pretty funny.
Heterosexual. Technically I suppose that's what I am. I'm certainly not a lesbian. But if I had the chance would I mess around with a girl? Definately, I'll try anything once. Does that make me Bi? I don't know. I hate this type of label more than most. I love who I love. And because I don't define gender as binary, Heterosexuality and Homosexuality have no real meaning for me.
I am Female, I am not Female. I have a vagina. I have many feminine characteristics. I also have many masculine characteristics. I generally relate more to Males. I beginning to learn that is because gender is a spectrum, and completely decided by whats inside a person, not whether they have a penis or vagina. I am me, neither Male nor Female.
What are my politics? The closest thing I see to me is Libertarian. Democrats call be Republican. Republicans call me Democratic. Libertarians call me Crazy. I fit in no category. I don't judge policies based on some category or another. My politics fall under no name unless it be "Brynnlee's Politics".
Labels are used to define someone, to make them easier to deal with. It's easier to brush someone off if you call them mentally ill. Its easier to damn someone if you can call them an Atheist. Exclusion is made possible by putting someone in the category of other. But that's a well known phenomena that many people have studied. What I find even more interesting is that labelling is used to force certain ideas onto people.
Once you are put into a category you are expected to believe everything they (those mysterious people, who may or may not exist, who compose the category) believe. If I'm labelled an Atheist, I'm expected to agree with every other atheist in matters of religion, and somewhat science. Though I'd be hardpressed to find another Atheist that agrees with me. Yet the pressure from within that community is even greater than from the outside. Each community united by a common label works to assimilate its members. Works to force a common set of beliefs on them. Labelling is the opposite of tolerance. When we label, we judge. When we label, we act a certain way towards a person and they react a certain way. It's amazing how in any group, there are categories and sub-categories and sub-sub-categories. I think that shows how any label is insufficient. No two people are the same. Not even a single aspect of two people are the same. Everyone either rebels against their labels, or changes themselves to fit them. I will do neither. I simply wont accept my labels. Don't you dare assume to call me one thing or another, when you don't really know me. If you knew me, you'd know that no label out society has created is sufficient to describe who I am. And there never will be such a sufficient label. Language is too limiting, it cannot adequately describe a persons spirit. The human spirit is simply too complex. And dynamic. Having a label limits someone from growing. From changing. If you've been labeling Libertarian you are more likely to keep your Libertarian beleifs and drop other beliefs, and not change or question your Libertarian beliefs. But the wonderful thing about the human spirit is that it isn't static, it changes and grows. Every day, every moment, I learn something, experience something that changes who I am. If I don't label myself, nothing in me resists that change. Yet sometimes I love my labels so much, that I try to hold onto them as long as possible and deny the changes within myself. Sometimes I love my labels because they give me security and authority. But that security and authority is worthless, based on a false perception of who I am. At least now I've realized, no matter how useful these labels may be, they are dangerous and should generally be avoided.

2005-02-16T00:15:00.000-05:00

I'm so damn lonely. I miss having someone who will just hold me and let me cry. I miss having someone who I can rant to, and cry to, without feeling childish. I miss having someone I can share my soul with. God, I feel like I'm losing my soul, just because it isn't shared. Is that possible? Is the essence of a person meant to be shared with another? I believe so. My spirit needs a friend, a confidant, a lover. I need to love someone. I don't even care if I'm loved at this point, I just want someone to love. I want someone I can respect enough to love. God. I am childish. I just want have someone to share all my feelings with. Instead, I type them out into this empty void. My only confidant is endless maze of technology that is the internet. There is no person on the other end of this. I'm not writting to anyone. I'm not talking to anyone. I'm not loving anyone, and I hate myself for it, and I hate the world for it. I don't really hate anything. That's too strong a word. But tonight is a night for strong words. Strong feelings need strong words. I haven't felt this lonely in a long, long time. God, I miss Sam, I miss Adam, I miss all those that I once loved and no longer do. I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. It's this time of year, it's being so close to being close to someone, and having it ripped away because of stupidity. I think to much. I think, and I think, and I think, and I forget to live, forget to love. And now I'm all alone. All the thinking in the world can't stop me from being alone. Alone in the darkness of this night. This depressing night. I need a friend. I need someone to hold me, to care for me. Is that too much to ask?

2005-01-23T00:11:00.000-05:00

I love to think about the future. It's like being in a dream that you have control of, and no one can mess up. Thinking of the future is something that gives me the hope and strength to live in the present. When I look at the future, I simply cannot see anything but a beautiful time, more wonderful than the present. When I think of all the loving people that I see around me, all the people that just want to help others, and to create a better world for us all, it gives me immense hope for the future.

As one of my favorite singers, the great Billy Joel, said "Say goodbye to the oldies but goodies, cause the good old days aren't always so good, and tomorrow aint as bad as it seems." It seems that a lot of people have negative views of where we are and where we are heading, but I think it's important to remember how far we have come. It's easy to make the past seem like a perfect time of loving families and close communities, but we should not forget the true nature of the past. We have come very far, in gaining more freedoms for everyone, in giving people chances to make their lives more, and in simply improving the quality of life of the average person. When I think of how far we've come, I can't help but be optimistic for the future.

I think we are at a moment in time, that will change the future forever. I don't know why I think this exactly, but the feel of the world today just seems like some great change is coming. There have been many of these moments in the past: the late 1700s, late 1800's, the 1930's and 40's, just to list a few. I feel like we are at another crucial point, because people are becoming more knowledgable about how they can change the world around them, and more active in reaching their goals. You say that ignorance is the greatest enemy we face, and I completely agree, but I also think we are doing a wonderful job of fighting this enemy. Now, people seem to really care about what's going on and where we are going, more than they did just a couple of years ago. This might just be because I'm around different people, but in my perspective something is changing. With all the negative things we see in the world, I think it is important not to forget that there is good in the world as well. The only things really shown on the news seems to be all the evil things that occur, murders and robberies, and great tragedies. But much more common are the small wonders and treasures that one person gives another. Just think of how many times a day someone is saying "I love you." Think how many times someone helps out another in need. Think how many times children bring smiles to the faces of those around them. All of these things make me sure that we will have a great future. There is more good, more love in this world than there is evil and hate. It will bring us to a good end, it just takes time to get there.

2005-01-20T11:18:00.000-05:00

I wish I was still naive. I miss thinking that people really are good, that if you work hard you'll be rewarded, that the world loves you, and so many other things. I miss thinking all my idols were perfect people. I miss thinking people really were good at heart, even if it took a while to see it. I really, really miss all these things, and wish I could make myself still believe them. Unfortunately, I've seen too much of the world, and I just can't believe it is a benevolent place with benevolent people any more. So many people don't even have a basic respect for other human beings. It's as though everyone in the world thinks the are the only real person in the world. Hell, I wish being so naive that I even though I was a good, nice person. I hate discovering how terrible of a person I really am. I used to describe myself by the song Slow Dancing with the Moon, because the essence of how you don't have to grow out of the innocence of a young girl. I've held onto this song for as long as I could, but now, I'm just fooling myself. I'm not innocent, the world isn't innocent, and it's not a kind place to be in. I just wish I could go back, everything used to be so wonderful.

Sweet little cherry blossom, blooming before her time
Moving her lips to her favorite song, cherishing every rhyme
Swaying her hips to the rhythm, humming along with the tune
Lost in her own little dream world, slow dancing with the moon
Watching her I cannot help but go back in my mind
And suddenly I find I am 15 again
Slow dancing with the moon
Oh, the stars got in my eyes long time ago
And I've lived my life like a love sick clown
In a bittersweet cartoon
Just a dreamy-eyed kid slow dancing with the moon
Watching the girl I'm reminded she's quite a lot like me
Trapped in the
suburbs of wonderland, lost in her own fantasy
Somehow my heart never grew up, no one ever burst my balloon
So here I am swirling in star dust slow dancing with the moon
Still believe someday my wildest dreams will all come true
And I'll find someone who'll make me 15 again
But until then I'm slow dancing with the moon
Oh, the stars got in my eyes long time ago
And I've lived my life like a love sick clown
In a bittersweet cartoon
Just a dreamy-eyed kid slow dancing with the moon

2005-01-17T01:45:00.000-05:00

I don't know why, but I've just been feeling real sad lately. Things in my life are going pretty good, in fact I'm exactly where I want to be, but I'm just not happy anymore. I just get so sad, and I don't understand why. Just the other day, I was at work, and for no reason I had to run to the restroom to cry. I just started crying, and I really can't figure out why. I've been doing this more and more lately, it's just that I'm simply not happy. My roomates don't understand, they think I'm hiding something from them. I keep finding myself wishing I could make up a reason that I'm so unhappy, but that just seems wrong. I don't know what's wrong with me though. Everything really is how I want it to be, yet that isn't enough. I'm doing really well in school, I just started a new job, my family has sorted though all it's problems, yet still I'm not happy. I feel horrible because so many people don't have all the things, all the opportunities, that I've had, yet I can't even be happy with what I've got. I just wish I knew why I'm so sad all the time. I just wish I new what to do to make myself happy.

2004-09-20T02:54:00.000-04:00

I used to think a lot about things. I don't anymore. I'm very sad about this. I used to spend hours everyday just thinking about certain things, mainly ethics, but now I rarely think of it, and if I do it's just at the surface. I haven't thought about anything. I don't even know what I believe anymore. Ryan keeps calling me an existentialist, and I don't even know whether or not I am. It's frustrating, but really, I'm dissappointed in myself. One of the things I loved about myself was that I really always thought things through. I think it might be because I don't debate anymore. Debate always started me thinking on things, yet I can't say it was just debate. This summer I thought so much over everything Rand had to say, yet I didn't debate. I never completed thought over what she says either. I still don't know what I believe, whether I believe all she says, or just some she says. And I haven't figured out how my views on the environment work with my views of capital. They don't work, yet I believe both. I can't really back up my environmental claims, yet they're what I feel most strongly about. It's things like this that I need to think about, especially now, yet I've given it no thought. I mean I'm basically voting for Kerry because of the environment and Iraq, yet I can't defend my views of either, except by saying everyone in debate agrees with me so it must be true. It's sad how much my views were shaped my the majority opinion in debate. Very sad. I'm going to go look up existentialism now, to see if I believe. Maybe I'll just be Mormon again, that was easy.

2004-09-12T17:18:00.000-04:00

I feel very content right now. I'm not sure why; maybe because I don't have anything big to worry about. Maybe because I feel free of all the expectations people used to hold over my head. I'm not living for anyone else right now. All my friends are gone, there is no pain caused by those friendships. I have new friends, I'm not completely alone, but all the responsibilities that come with friends are gone. I can do whatever I want to do now. I also realized that I'm taking life less seriously now, and it's working out for the better. It's just another way to have fun. That's all I'm doing now. Having fun with life. And it's wonderful, I'm having a better time than I ever have had. I went out driving again; I forgot how much I love to just go and drive. It's so relaxing. It lets you just think about things, without worrying about wasting time. It's almost like it gives me a justification to think, because I am doing something else (driving) and so I don't feel obligated to do any other thing. That didn't make sense, but it did to me, and as I'm only writting to myself, it doesn't matter much.

Wow, I really am a bitch some times. Oh well. I am what I am and that's all that I am.