I'm wonder more and more what I'm doing at Webb. I love the school. I love how small it is. I love that I know everyone. I love the campus. I love the honor here, even if it's hidden at first. I love knowing the teachers... I love everything about the school. But that's exactly what makes this so hard. I don't love the major. If I could change majors at this school I'd be in heaven. But what am I doing with an engineering major? I'm not an engineer, I never will be. It isn't something I'm passionate about. This is hard to think of, because I love the school, and it's easy in a way. Not that the classes are easy really, but it's all stuff I can do. It's only challanging initially. But there are answers to every problem given to you. There are known solutions. Like all engineering, there is no real challange.

I don't want to be a naval architect. I never have. Even at the best of times at Webb, I always admitted to myself that being a NA would be a short term thing, 5 years max, and then I'd teach. I've known for years and years that I want to teach. Well I'm finally asking myself, why? Why do I want to teach. It's not so I can show some high schoolers what an integral is. It's not so I can show some high schoolers how forces act upon an object. It's so maybe I can do some good in this world, maybe I can help somone, reach that one person no one else could. I want to give back what my teachers gave to me. I don't want to teach kids facts, I want to teach them how to learn. How to ask the criticial questions it's so easy to ignore. To look beyond the texts and the tests, and see what lies at the heart of our thoughts. How is a degree in Naval Architecture going to get me there? How will it help in that pursuit?

Why should I continue on in a degree that I'm not passionate about? I can list tons of reasons. I'm here already, and I don't want to give up again, I do that too often. I don't know where else to go. This is a practical path that could get me on my feet financially. I love this school, everything about it, except the major. I have a full tuition scholarship. I have people that care about me here. I have people I care about here. And, mostly, it makes my parents happy that I am here.

But are those the responsible reasons to stay somewhere? I'm not talking about giving up because it got tough. That's what I did at UGA. That's what I wanted to do last semester. That's not what I want to do now. I don't want to give up. I want to follow through on a decision I made. I want to finish, to complete. But is that the responsible thing? Is it the right thing? Why should I sit here learning about things I'm not passionate about, and let myself fall down a path that will be impossible to break.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of becoming one of those people who goes "if only". If only I had done what I loved. I'm good at engineering. It's comfortable. I could do it and be happy. I could be stable and I could be happy. But I'd always ask "what if". I'm terrified I'll break my own 5 year limit, and never teach. I'm terrified I'll become a 9-5 worker, who dreads going to work but does it because they need the money. I'm terrified of it all becoming mundane. I want to live passionately. I don't want to give up one moment of my life. I want every moment to be about something I love...something I care about. Is that so wrong?

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