I was asked something the other day that really shook me. I've always had somewhat of a contempt for faith, and while that's not something I'm proud of, it is something I hold onto for dear life sometimes. I don't have faith, and I don't want faith. Yet at the same time I've always believed that every human has an inherent knowledge of right and wrong. That we can see something and no matter what we've been told simply know it is wrong. That morals aren't dependant upon culture or religion, but something inherent in us all. I've seen so much evidence for this it's hard to doubt. I've seen the evidence in myself. Yet isn't this faith? To know what is right and wrong without reason. To have some type of absolute knowledge that isn't made on evidence, or logic, or anything except what we feel. That's what someone asked me. It terrified me. I really don't like the idea of faith, maybe that's me being childish I don't know, but it shook me. I'm still not sure if it is faith. The other reasons I'm come up with is that it is inherent knowledge, where faith is something you choose to believe in. I suppose. But that's not exactly right, I can't find the right words. Isn't it amazing that such a simple question can really shake your world. The world I'd created that was so safe for me, so familiar and so comfortable.

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I'm wonder more and more what I'm doing at Webb. I love the school. I love how small it is. I love that I know everyone. I love the campus. I love the honor here, even if it's hidden at first. I love knowing the teachers... I love everything about the school. But that's exactly what makes this so hard. I don't love the major. If I could change majors at this school I'd be in heaven. But what am I doing with an engineering major? I'm not an engineer, I never will be. It isn't something I'm passionate about. This is hard to think of, because I love the school, and it's easy in a way. Not that the classes are easy really, but it's all stuff I can do. It's only challanging initially. But there are answers to every problem given to you. There are known solutions. Like all engineering, there is no real challange.

I don't want to be a naval architect. I never have. Even at the best of times at Webb, I always admitted to myself that being a NA would be a short term thing, 5 years max, and then I'd teach. I've known for years and years that I want to teach. Well I'm finally asking myself, why? Why do I want to teach. It's not so I can show some high schoolers what an integral is. It's not so I can show some high schoolers how forces act upon an object. It's so maybe I can do some good in this world, maybe I can help somone, reach that one person no one else could. I want to give back what my teachers gave to me. I don't want to teach kids facts, I want to teach them how to learn. How to ask the criticial questions it's so easy to ignore. To look beyond the texts and the tests, and see what lies at the heart of our thoughts. How is a degree in Naval Architecture going to get me there? How will it help in that pursuit?

Why should I continue on in a degree that I'm not passionate about? I can list tons of reasons. I'm here already, and I don't want to give up again, I do that too often. I don't know where else to go. This is a practical path that could get me on my feet financially. I love this school, everything about it, except the major. I have a full tuition scholarship. I have people that care about me here. I have people I care about here. And, mostly, it makes my parents happy that I am here.

But are those the responsible reasons to stay somewhere? I'm not talking about giving up because it got tough. That's what I did at UGA. That's what I wanted to do last semester. That's not what I want to do now. I don't want to give up. I want to follow through on a decision I made. I want to finish, to complete. But is that the responsible thing? Is it the right thing? Why should I sit here learning about things I'm not passionate about, and let myself fall down a path that will be impossible to break.

I'm terrified. I'm terrified of becoming one of those people who goes "if only". If only I had done what I loved. I'm good at engineering. It's comfortable. I could do it and be happy. I could be stable and I could be happy. But I'd always ask "what if". I'm terrified I'll break my own 5 year limit, and never teach. I'm terrified I'll become a 9-5 worker, who dreads going to work but does it because they need the money. I'm terrified of it all becoming mundane. I want to live passionately. I don't want to give up one moment of my life. I want every moment to be about something I love...something I care about. Is that so wrong?

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I was out watching the sunset last night, and emotion seemed to overwhelm me. It was so beautiful, so see the sun go down over the water. The last rays of sunlight striking the waves, creating such gorgeous patterns. You could hear the waves lapping up against the rocks, and in the distance you could hear the kids playing at the beach. There were two flocks of bird that kept passing by, one black and one white. The contrast was gorgeous at that time. Seeing the birds fly across the sun over the water, seeing the sun light up the clouds differently that it does at any other time. The clouds we lighted from beneath, the light shone up through them. The birds were flying in their precise patterns, that still amazes me. And the waves, oh my. They were so choppy, so small, so violent. They seemed so passionate. Something about it just got to me.

And for once, while being surrounded by nature, overcome by nature, I still felt something missing. I felt lonely, which has never happened before. I'm normally so home when I'm outside, I feel complete. Yet I didn't this time. I wanted someone else to see it with me. I wanted to share it. That feeling was pretty overwhelming as well. I don't know whether that makes me happy or sad. But it was there, big time.

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WHY won't people just love themselves??? Why is it so hard to be happy with who you are? Why do people have to be so insecure and unconfident? I can't stand it. I can't stand that we live in a world where people don't love themselves. I recently discovered the greatest thing ever was to realize I was happy with myself. That I was happy with every bit of myself. I so wish others could feel that. I so wish I could give it to them. But I can't. They have to find it for themselves. And I can't even show them the way. I get so frustrated with their inability to love themselves that I just make it worse. And that pisses me off. I wish so much I could just show them how to love themselves. Because it is only after they love themselves that they will let me love them. That they will be able to accept that love.

This world would be such a better place if people just loved themselves. I do not believe that anger would really be possible. What reason would there be to be angry? Because anger stems from insecurity or injustice. There would be no insecurity. And what reason would there be for injustice? People wouldn't need to put others down to rise themselves up. Because if everyone loved themselves... they could rise up on their own. Flourish without hurting others.

Do people not see this? To me it is clear as day.

Love yourself. Love others. Nothing bad can come of that.

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