There are so many things I don't know about. It continues to amaze me how much other people go through. I complain so much, especially to myself, about how shitty I've got things. About how I'm such a bad person, about all the crap I do. I know it's all my fault. But really, everything I've ever dealt with is trivial compared to the crap that other people must go through, have been forced to go through. Maybe it's wrong to compare challenges between two different people, but I can't help but think I don't know anything when it comes to hardships. I create hardships in my life, instead of realizing that I've got such a wonderful life. But enough about that.

It is amazing how strong people are in this world. The strength I can see in a person is absolutely amazing. I'm moved when I look at people, when I hear their story, and see how they still live their life. There are so many strong people in the world, SO MANY. And they are SO strong. They continue to deal with hardship after hardship. Yet instead of getting the recognition they deserve because of all the good they've done in the world, they get jealousy. All the people in the world are jealous of all the GOOD people. Why can't someone be good any people just love them for that? Is it so hard to love someone that you think has done great things, without wishing you were them? Without being envious? Jealous? Is it so hard to just LOVE someone for who they are and what they have done? I'm so proud of all the people in my life. I'm so proud of the people who I've become close to this past year. I'm so proud of myself for recognizing the goodness in them. I'm proud of myself for realizing that keeping good people around me doesn't diminish me, rather it inspires me to become greater myself. To stop all the deceit in my life. To stop all the attention grabbing. I'm getting there. I'm not there yet. I've made some major slip ups. But I know what I've done wrong, and I'm getting better. You people, all of the people that I was talking about, the strong, the good, you've helped me become someone I can love. Become someone I'm not ashamed of. Thank you for that. Know that you kind acts, your strength, you caring, it is appreciated. Even if I usually fail in saying anything, or in saying anything that caries the weight I'm feeling right now. I'm never felt so lucky in my life, to be surrounded by so many amazing people.

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There's something enchanting about the darkness. Something that always makes things different, always a little off, intriguing. Yet it's comforting as well. There's something warm about the coldness of the dark, of the night. A chilling comfort. It hides you from the exposure of light, from the 'garish light of day'. The light, however beautiful and inspiring, exposes all your flaws. It shows everything, every beauty, and every mistake. But in the darkness, you can hide what you've done, the scars on yourself. You can hide, and be whoever you wish to be. You can become something different, in the dark, guided by the pale moon. The cold, pale moon, that can light a fire in your soul. Raised high above in glory and despair, where endless lights of knowledge twinkle in the pale dark. Thoughts abound, unchecked and held in stark contrast of the infinite, empty, blackness. Nothing holds you back. Nothing constricts you. There are no duties in the darkness, no responsibilities. Darkness gives you a freedom that you cannot get anywhere else. A freedom from yourself. From the world. From all the weights you know you'll have to face once the light breaks over the horizion. Once you see those golden rays on the water, it's like watching the weight come back into the world. It's like watching you dreams be pushed away.. pushed away by that light full of guile.

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The heart has ways of knowing that the mind can never comprehend.

I haven't posted in a while. I haven't wanted to post anything superficial, and for a while, all my thoughts have been superficial. But not today.

It seems every couple of months all my views on everything change. Yet with every new change I'm sure it's absolutely right. And I think I've finally realized something. I always think I'm right because somewhere inside me, I already know everything. And I mean everything. It's all there inside. Which is why I always feel so secure about my knowledge. Basic Moral Intuition. Which is why I always know if something is right or wrong. I feel the answer. It's in my heart. It just takes some time for my mind to catch up. All the reasoning, all the questioning that I've gone through in the past three years, has really just been trying to find some way to reason out what I already know. And to understand what I know. I don't understand everything, but I know it. Just trying to find the words to describe what I feel. For in feelings there is truth, there is resolution. Thought just makes it usable. The essence is in feeling.

For quite a while I've objected to the thought of a Plan. Of Cosmic Order. Of Fate. Whatever you want to call it. And I've even found comfort in meaninglessness. Comfort in knowing nothing is Meant to happen. I'm not Meant to do anything. In that freedom I've found comfort. So in many ways, I've looked to the opposite of some great big order. Yet, at the same time, I've felt this fundamental connection to all things. Unity. Oneness. Wholeness. And so my mind has always felt conflicted. Because in all my readings, these two concepts have always been seen as conflicting. Everything can be connected if there is no order. You can't have Unity without a Plan. But I think that you CAN have Unity without a Plan. Things can be connected without being ordered. We can all be part of something, without being forced a certain way. We are all a part of something, so essence, but that isn't external from us. It's a part of us. It IS us. We are everything, we are connected, but we aren't Planned. This probably doesn't make sense. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the things that are really important, the big ideas, can never be expressed in words. To me, it's all in a tree. Written in that picture. I can't say it here in words. But somehow, it works. Connection without Order. Wholeness and Meaninglessness. That's what IS. And I like the idea. My hearts saying yes to what my mind is thinking.

How can we become more fully human and at the same time be saved from the fate of being merely human? Where is the Spirit in this God-forsaken, Goddess-forsaken world of modernity? Why are we destroying Gaia in the very attempt to improve our own condition? Why are so many attempts at salvation suicidal? How do we actually fit into this larger Kosmos? How are we whole individuals who are also parts of something Larger?

Can we not star into that vast and stunning Kosmos and respond with something more than oops?

In the Dark and the Deep there are truths that can always heal. It is not the forces of darkness but of shallowness that everywhere threaten the true, and the good, and the beautiful, and that ironically announce themselves as deep and profound. It is an exuberant and fearless shallowness that everywhere is the modern danger, the modern threat, and that everywhere nonetheless calls to us as savior.

We might have lost the Light and the Height; but more frightening, we have lost the Mystery and the Deep, the Emptiness and the Abyss and lost it in a world dedicated to surfaces and shadows, exteriors and shells, whose prophets lovingly exhort us to dive into the shallow end of the pool head first.

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